Young adults who severed ties with their parents say filial piety should go 'both ways'

It was the third day of Chinese New Year in 2017, a time for family reunion. For Ms Joey Liaw, she ended up in a coffee shop alone.

The special needs teacher had been looking forward to having dinner with her father at 5pm after he was done with work. She sat there for three hours and he did not show up.

“He didn’t pick up his phone. I waited until I had gastric pain. And when I arrived home, he said that he forgot that we were supposed to have dinner,” Ms Liaw, now aged 34, said. Her mother had died years earlier.

“He didn’t even say 'sorry' and already ate by himself. So he just told me to have my own meal.”

Ms Liaw said that this was an example of her father's persistent indifference to her that began during her childhood.

It was one of the many reasons that led to her eventually severing all ties with her father. Three years ago, she packed her things, left home unannounced and has been living in a rented room by herself ever since.

Ms Liaw is among a group of adults who have chosen to estrange themselves from parents they consider toxic, saying that it was because of years of abuse, emotional manipulation and a lack of affection.

The issue is increasingly being discussed on social media. Young adults are becoming more transparent about their family tensions and dynamics, setting firmer boundaries and trying to normalise stepping away from unhealthy parent-child relationships.

TikTok videos around the world of grown children explaining their circumstances have gone viral, amassing thousands of views under the hashtags #nocontactwithparent and #raisedbynarcissists.

The movement has also spawned a sub-thread on online forum Reddit called “Estranged Adult Kids” with about 45,000 members sharing advice and experiences.

In Singapore, there is recognition that these problems exist. The Maintenance of Parents Act was amended in July last year to protect abuse victims from being mandated to provide maintenance fees for their elderly parents.

About one in three cases at the Tribunal for the Maintenance Of Parents involve children alleging abandonment, abuse or neglect on the part of their parent when they were young, Member of Parliament Seah Kian Peng said during a debate over the amendment.

Yet, walking away is never easy. More than simply an act of rebellion, adults such as Ms Liaw leave to gain peace of mind.

She broke down in tears while revisiting old wounds during her interview with CNA TODAY, recalling another traumatic episode on her 19th birthday.

Her father never remembered or celebrated her birthdays. And after her mother died when she was 15, he took up with another woman.

On his daughter’s birthday, he was calling his girlfriend while driving Ms Liaw to her workplace where she was serving an internship.

Ms Liaw said: “I was at the back of the car and overheard the conversation. The girlfriend was asking him if he had remembered her birthday. He said, “Of course I do!” and recited the date.

“At that moment, I was really torn into pieces.”

She also recollected how, when she was growing up, her father did not hug her, say “I love you” or ask about her well-being in school. She was mostly left to her own devices.

“I feel like I’m simply a product of societal expectations from my parents to get married and have a child. They were not ready to be parents,” she added.

VIOLENCE, NEGLECT AND LACK OF LOVE

For others, the trauma that led to their eventual estrangement was physical.

A project officer in the public service who wanted to be known only by her first name Carla said that her father beat her “to the point of bleeding” in the past.

“Once, he started screaming at me because I simply forgot to turn off the light in a hallway and the light was keeping him awake at night. He shouted so loudly that you could hear it from the floor above. He also threatened violence,” the 27-year-old said.

She was also afraid of taking on new projects while previously working in the film and media industry because if she returned home late, their dog would bark and wake her father, angering him. This hindered her career.

Her parents were divorced so she lived with him until 2021. At that point, she decided to move out and live with her partner instead. “I knew that I couldn’t live like this anymore,” she said.

During her childhood, her relationship with her father was distant. He told her that men were “not equipped to deal with womanly emotions” and hired a domestic worker to be her maternal caregiver.

Matters such as navigating her first menstruation became the domestic worker's responsibility, but Ms Carla said that it was hard to form a connection with the helper because she was ultimately not her mother.

As for a human resources professional who wished to be identified only as Ms Oh, 32, domestic violence perpetuated by her father was also a key reason that pushed her to move out in 2015.

In primary school, she once returned home to see broken pieces of glass scattered all over the floor and the furniture flipped over. She could not enter the house and had to wait for the domestic worker to sweep up the mess.

“I did not see the fight but I saw my mother crying and badly beaten up. It was a difficult time,” she said.

Her father also disapproved of her decision to become a Christian during her polytechnic days. When she told him about it, it angered him so much that he took a chopping knife and split apart the grilles of their door.

At age 16, she was hospitalised due to a health problem. “They (my parents) were quarrelling over who was to pay the hospital bills in front of me. And that was when I felt like I was all alone,” Ms Oh said.

She added that at that moment, she felt like ending her life, and that it was extra hard on her because this happened when she was about to sit for her O-Levels.

“That’s when I realised, if my family could treat me like that, how is that really family? Can I trust them or not?”

COMPLICATED FAMILY SITUATION

In other instances of bad blood, acrimony between parents affected the children’s upbringing and left behind bad memories. Supply chain manager Jason Neo, 34, recalled how his parents had extramarital affairs.

They were not home most of the time and were constantly fighting. This eventually led to a divorce when Mr Neo was eight years old, forcing him to choose to live either with his father or mother.

He lived with his father’s family for a while before moving in with his mother, who had remarried. He said that his stepfather did not treat him like his own son. His mother and stepfather had a daughter together, which made him feel even more like an outcast.

In Secondary 2, he decided to live with his girlfriend – now wife – whose parents took him into their house and showered him with the care that his own birth parents had failed to give him.

“My mother was constantly trying to break me and my girlfriend apart at that time. She would constantly say bad things about her in front of me and intentionally take along her friend’s daughter, trying to introduce her to me in front of my girlfriend,” Mr Neo said.

Things got even worse when his mother went through a divorce with his stepfather during his second year of university. Having gone through the entire process before, he knew exactly how painful it was going to be for his six-year-old stepsister.

He said: “I told my mother that since I got a scholarship and did not have to pay for my school fees, I could get a part-time job and do whatever it takes to financially support my stepsister. It’s fine, I can do that.

“So even if you’re going to divorce my stepdad, take my sister with us. I can take care of her.”

However, his mother insisted that the stepfather still had to handle the finances. So his stepsister had to go through the same traumatic experience of choosing which parent would live with her.

Mr Neo was so incensed, he told his mother that she should not expect him to take care of her when she was older.

The breaking point came when his mother demanded 30 per cent of his salary when he started working. He refused and gave her only S$100 a month because he was saving up for his wedding and a new house.

He said: “Then she went around the whole Bukit Panjang neighbourhood telling everyone that I was not giving her money. So they all scolded me that I was not being filial to her. What kind of mother does that, right?”

A year after starting his first job, he told her that she was ruining his reputation. They quarrelled until he hammered his fists on the table and said: “If you are not on your death bed, don’t ever call me again. I don’t want to hear from you.”

That was seven years ago and it was the last sentence he uttered to her. As for his father, he developed a gambling habit and tried to borrow thousands of dollars from Mr Neo, prompting the son to sever ties with him as well.

GASLIGHTING AND OVERBEARING CONTROL

A business analyst who wanted to be known only by his first name Jackson said that his father would often blame him for things that he had not done.

“There was once a door knob that came loose and I was conveniently scapegoated by him. I protested my innocence and rebutted that all the family members used the door knob frequently, so why was I the one to be blamed? That resulted in huge quarrels,” he recalled.

His father always wanted to have the final say on things as well, making it difficult to reason with him. Mr Jackson, 29, said that his father would criticise everything from the food choices he made to his appearance.

“When I told him that I did not like the criticisms, he would tell me not to be so uptight and 'sissy', that I should learn to be 'strong' and accept them. How would a guy feel being called a 'sissy', let alone by his own father?”

His parents would also conjure up false tales about each other to tell him and his siblings. When these lies were exposed to the other party, it resulted in quarrels and name-calling. The children would be caught in the crossfire, being the innocent victims.

These events culminated in his home becoming a toxic environment for Mr Jackson. About two years ago, he decided to cut off ties with his parents.

For 22-year-old Jo, who works in e-commerce and did not want to give her real name, overbearing control from her father caused her to leave home at the age of 18.

“He was trying to plan a whole career path for me. He decided that it was better for me to go to a polytechnic and study accountancy because he thought that I wasn’t smart enough for junior college,” she said.

“But I did well for my O-Levels and wanted to study economics or law in university, which meant that it was better for me to enter junior college.”

She enrolled in a polytechnic anyway and later tried to drop out, but her parents refused to sign the form, so she deliberately did not sit for her examinations and got expelled.

Her schedule was tightly controlled as well, with a 7pm curfew on weekdays. They “screened” all of her friends who hung out with her. And on weekends, she could spend the time only with her parents.

During meals, her father would force everyone to eat the same dishes as he did because he would get headaches from eating certain types of food.

She felt restricted by these demands, prompting her to leave home unannounced one morning and never return.

HOW TRAUMA AFFECTS GROWN-UP CHILDREN TODAY

The experiences of these various young adults who split from their parents have had far-reaching implications for them, even after they had left home. For some, it affected their views on intimate relationships and family.

Ms Liaw the special needs teacher said: “It definitely made me have more distrust towards men and their responsibility of being a partner in a relationship.”

Ms Carla the project officer does not want to have her own children because she is afraid of passing on generational trauma to them. Generational trauma refers to psychological wounds that are transferred to successive generations.

“I’m worried that I might have an inner 'tiger mum' in me, overcompensating for the things I didn’t have. I don’t want to traumatise someone the way I was traumatised,” Ms Carla added.

After what they went through, the adult children developed a contentious relationship with the idea of filial piety. Ms Oh the human resources professional believes that filial piety should go “both ways”.

She said that there should be mutual respect and understanding, and that parents should not give birth to children just because they want something from their offspring, but because they really love the child.

“Children should be created out of love, not obligations that cause so much hurt and pain,” Ms Oh added.

"To me, filial piety is a societal construct ingrained in us to keep society moving, but does not take into account individual family circumstances." 

Counsellors interviewed by CNA TODAY agreed. Trauma recovery specialist Nur Adam said that adult children may struggle to reconcile the desire for personal safety and well-being with the cultural narrative of honouring one’s parents.

This internal conflict not only heightens mental distress but also stifles authenticity, since the person feels pressured to suppress their own needs and values to conform to societal norms.

Overall, Ms Nur emphasised that filial piety is not about entitlement but about connection and reciprocity.

“Relationships require effort from both sides. It’s crucial for parents to reflect on how their actions may have have an impact on their children and recognise that respect must be earned, not demanded. Only through this mutual effort can the spirit of filial piety be truly honoured,” she said.

However, Ms Nur also acknowledged that the parents’ behaviour may have been influenced by their own life challenges and traumas, which they are unable to change despite their best intention. She said that trying to understand the parents’ perspectives does not mean excusing harmful behaviour, but it can foster empathy.

Trauma therapist Tan Yi Shan said: “Singapore is a country largely built on immigrants, many of whom were too busy living in a state of survival to prioritise their own mental or emotional well-being, let alone their children's well-being.

“Our parents cannot give to us what they themselves have not received or experienced from their own parents (our grandparents), whose immediate priorities were most likely ensuring their families' basic survival.”

Ms Nur advised children to consider that their parents may have acted out of misguided love or unawareness rather than intentional harm.

IS THERE HOPE OF RECONCILIATION?

With bonds severely damaged, is it still possible that ties can be mended? The mental health professionals said that it would take hard work.

Ms Tan said that there is always a possibility of creating new ways of relating to each other. With effort and commitment from both parties, children can improve their relationships with their parents.

Clinical trauma specialist Zanthe Ng said: “The process typically involves honest communication, acknowledgement of past harm, as well as a commitment to changing harmful behaviours.”

However, it is worth noting that a variety of factors influence the likelihood of reconciliation.

Ms Ng said that forgiveness and a successful reconciliation take time. It may help to have active interventions to reconcile, including establishing clear boundaries and having supportive trusted circles.

There are some circumstances, though, where a relationship cannot be repaired, Ms Ng said. “These include instances involving prolonged harm, repeated breaches of trust or a lack of accountability.”

She added that healing does not always require reconciliation and sometimes, maintaining distance is the healthiest choice for all involved.

There are some success stories, of course. Ms Oh reconciled with her parents in 2019 after about four years of going no-contact. She was getting married and wanted to let her parents know about the wedding.

“It was awkward to get in touch with them, but the marriage itself brought the family together,” she said.

Because her parents’ house was full of clutter, they had to clean the space for guests to arrive and the photographer to take photos. Through repainting the house, removing items and putting on new curtains together, she reconnected with her parents.

She admitted that she is still not on the best terms with them. However, since the wedding, both parties have touched base with each other every few months.

Last week, for the very first time, she invited her parents to visit her house to celebrate Christmas. “That’s a very big thing because this was one of the rare times we gathered as a family since we restored the relationship five years ago.

“Things may not be great, but we can still try to make things work for us."

WHERE TO GET HELP

Samaritans of Singapore Hotline: 1767

Institute of Mental Health’s Helpline: 6389 2222

Singapore Association for Mental Health Helpline: 1800 283 7019

You may also find a list of international helplines here. If someone you know is at immediate risk, call 24-hour emergency medical services.