When the lines between friend and colleague get fuzzy, here's how to keep things sweet

Financial services manager Dion Sng, 26, meets clients all the time and often feels compelled to say "yes" to their requests even though she might not be completely willing to do what they are asking.

She admits that it is her way of trying to please everyone.

She recalled that some clients would ask to schedule appointments with her as late as 10pm. This leaves her with less time to rest and recharge for the next day.

“It eats into my personal time. My day also usually starts very early because I have to lead a team,” she said.

However, to build good relationships with them, she would agree to meet them at their convenience.

Ms Sng also said that one of them asked her for a birthday treat although they had agreed that the meeting would be purely business. This client was also a long-time friend of Ms Sng, so the lines were blurred.

“I feel certain things (like this) are beyond my job scope as a consultant. I shouldn’t be doing favours like this for individuals.”

She added that she had acceded to the birthday treat request, but she is now learning to set boundaries.

Such challenges are common in workplaces. Colleagues or clients might take advantage of the tendency of some people to be "people pleasers" to give them more work or set unrealistic expectations.

And this can lead to burnout and resentment, mental health experts said.

Counsellors interviewed by CNA TODAY said that people pleasers forgo their own wants or needs for the benefit of others. They struggle to assert themselves, downplaying their stress when they take on tasks beyond their official responsibilities.

Senior counselling psychologist Celine Edmund, who runs a private practice called Singapore Personal Counselling Service, said that the willingness of these people to compromise and collaborate makes them valuable in team settings.

However, excessive people-pleasing can lead to emotional exhaustion and leave these workers vulnerable to exploitation, creating unhealthy power dynamics in the workplace.

Therefore, striking a balance between being considerate and maintaining personal boundaries is essential, she added.

Sne also said that people-pleasing is not an inherent trait but rather a learned behaviour, developed through social conditioning.

So, what causes someone to become a people pleaser?

SAYING "YES" FEELS SAFER

People turn out this way for many reasons. Ms Amanda Tay, a counsellor at Eagles Meditation & Counselling Centre, said that it can be seen as an adaptive behaviour shaped by early childhood experiences.

From a young age, people may learn to associate their self-worth with others’ approval or satisfaction.

“Growing up in strict or unpredictable households, where saying 'no' led to punishment or withdrawal of affection, could teach a child that compliance ensures safety.”

Counsellor Janet Gay from mental health technology company Intellect echoed this sentiment, saying that if children receive approval, warmth or validation only when they comply with others’ needs, they may internalise the belief that their worth is dependent on pleasing others.

Ms Gay added that some cultures emphasise deference to authority or seniors, reinforcing the idea that saying "no" is rude or selfish.

Over time, these tendencies become ingrained, whether consciously or unconsciously, Ms Tay said.

“The nervous system begins to perceive exclusion, disapproval or conflict as a threat, triggering a biologically adaptive response to comply, appease or overcommit.”

As a result, social belonging is prioritised over personal well-being, leading people to put harmony first at the expense of their own limits and needs, Ms Tay said.

Separately, certain personality traits can be associated with people-pleasing.

Ms Gay said that some individuals naturally have a high sense of empathy and sensitivity. Thus, they feel more attuned to others’ emotions and discomforts, making it hard to set boundaries without feeling guilty.

Ms Tiffany Ng, an associate counsellor at psychological services consultancy Mind What Matters, said that without the opportunity to explore and figure out our own boundaries, our personal utility and value are often tied to how much we can do for others.

Overall, Ms Tay would say that people-pleasing “is deeply wired in us”.

“From an evolutionary perspective, humans have always relied on social bonds for safety, resources and survival.

"Social rejection was perceived as dangerous, since being cast out could mean losing access to essential resources like food and shelter,” she explained.

Consequently, humans evolved to develop higher levels of agreeableness and avoid conflict.

AT THE EXPENSE OF PERSONAL WELL-BEING

People-pleasing has detrimental effects on one’s mental health, the experts cautioned.

Ms Gay said that when workers take on more than they can handle, it can cause chronic stress when they feel anxious about not being able to complete the tasks at hand.

“Constantly saying 'yes' can diminish an employee’s sense of autonomy, making them feel powerless over their workload. And in the long run, this can lead to disengagement from work,” she added.

Ms Ng from Mind What Matters said that the dynamics of professional relationships can reach a point where the support becomes one-sided and there would exist an imbalance in the efforts put in the workplace.

When the people pleasers start to realise that they are constantly the ones giving and not receiving, the gap between their expectations and reality can bring about feelings of disappointment and under-appreciation.

These feelings can morph into resentment with time, Ms Ng said.

Giving the example of another scenario, Ms Ng added that there may be times when these requests do not align with the individual’s personal values. When they give in repeatedly, a feeling of dissonance can arise, which can be uncomfortable and difficult to reconcile.

Therefore, she highlighted that it is important for people to develop assertiveness to counter the tendency to people-please.

In the short run, individuals may free up more time and mental space for things that maintain their peace and well-being.

“In the long run, assertiveness helps to strengthen one’s identity, develop the ability to support oneself and others in a sustainable manner, and build confidence and awareness of one's own capacity,” Ms Ng said.

Ms Tay stressed that reframing self-worth beyond external validation and developing assertive communication skills enable people to shift from automatic people-pleasing tendencies to intentional decision-making.

“This allows them to say 'yes' as a conscious choice rather than a stress-driven response.”

REJECTING WITH POLITE AND FIRM TONE

Before responding to a request, workers may ask themselves if they are saying 'yes' out of fear of conflict, rejection or guilt, as opposed to a values-based choice that aligns with their professional priorities, Ms Tay said.

If the sentiment leans more towards the former, how can they voice out their limits and decline a request without offending anyone?

Ms Ng advised that before saying anything, it is vital to avoid getting defensive or aggressive and to avoid shutting down.

Ms Gay suggested using a polite yet firm tone when saying "no".

She urged people to communicate expectations early and offered a multi-step approach where one may sound reasonable and professional.

First, people may acknowledge the other party’s perspective, she said. Show appreciation for the opportunity or task offered and practise empathy to help maintain rapport.

This may be achieved by using phrases such as “I appreciate you thinking of me, but ... ” or “I see where you’re coming from” or “As much as I would like to help out ...”.

These can make your response feel more considerate while still setting a firm boundary.

Next, Ms Gay recommended being honest and concise, saying that one does not need to over-explain and that a clear response is enough.

Ms Ng gave some examples: “Unfortunately, I won’t be able to help you because I have a few upcoming deadlines that I need to prioritise” or “I’m afraid I don’t have the capacity right now to support you for this”.

Lastly, instead of just declining, offer solutions or alternatives.

Proposing a different schedule or connecting the other party with another person who may be available can keep collaboration open.

“Could we explore redistributing the workload to ensure everything is completed effectively?" is a phrase that may be helpful to use, Ms Tay said.

By framing it as a commitment to work quality rather than a rejection, employees may get to reshape how their limits are perceived, fostering a culture of respect and sustainable productivity.

To add to that, Ms Ng suggested other ways to keep things cordial, by rounding up an explanation with a message of encouragement: “I hope you are able to complete them” or “Sending you strength and support.”.

After years of being a people pleaser, Ms Sng the financial services manager is finally beginning to set clearer expectations for both herself and her clients, to avoid running into difficult circumstances in the future.

She would stand firm whenever someone asked her for a late appointment, suggesting to reschedule the meeting to another time and date instead.

“Clients have to be trained to know that our time is precious. And we are professionals, so we cannot just meet them at the timing that they deem fit, but it has to be a mutually agreeable timing,” she said.

She would also be sure to set clear boundaries in her first meeting before a client onboards with her, telling the other party that her professional value is in the work that she does and not just the treats.

“I will draw the lines very clearly between a business meeting and a casual hangout,” she added.