My oldest child is 12, but I’m not giving him a smartphone anytime soon. Here’s why

“Mum, can I play Pokemon Go please? I just want to catch all the Pokemon here.”

“Mum, I just want to see what I get from my Starr Drop today in my Brawl Stars game.”

“Mum, just one match on FC Mobile, it’ll only take 15 minutes, I promise.”

Whenever I say “Sorry boys, you know the rules. Games only on the weekends”, I inevitably get sad faces, foot stomping, and moans and groans from my oldest two kids, aged 12 and 10.

If you’re a parent to a child who enjoys any sort of smartphone activity – mobile games, YouTube, social media or chatting with friends – you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. 

I’ve been duly warned: “Once they go to secondary school, there’s no stopping them, especially when they get their Personal Learning Devices. The more you stop them, the more they’ll go behind your back, and they’ll grow to resent you too.” 

As my oldest prepares to graduate primary school this year, am I headed for more years of tween and teen angst surrounding my kids’ lack of unfettered access to a mobile phone? Will I eventually have no choice but to cave in to their demands?

ARE WE BEING ‘TOO STRICT’?

A recent survey conducted by CNA and the Institute of Policy Studies showed that Singapore teenagers between the ages of 13 and 19 are spending 8.5 hours a day on screens. That’s more than half the time they spend awake.

In this day and age, some of this cannot be helped. The study showed that teenagers spent almost three hours of screen time a day on school work and for learning. 

But the other five-and-a-half hours? Entertainment and leisure activities such as social media. 

And so, my husband and I have resolved that our five children will each get a phone when they enter secondary school, but not the smart kind. Their first phones will function only exactly like a phone should – call and message functions, with little to no Internet access, games, and apps.

Why so strict, you may ask? 

As parents we feel that it’s our job to ensure that, when the time comes, they’re mature enough to use their smartphones wisely, without getting sucked into the rabbit hole of addiction. 

To be clear, we do allow our kids some access to smartphones.

From Fridays to Sundays, after they’ve completed their homework for the day or laid out their revision materials for the weekend, they are allowed to play mobile games on my spare phone for about one hour each day. No more than 30 minutes at a go before they have to take a break, and only in the living room. They also have to use a kitchen timer so that they don’t overrun their game time.

Occasionally, they can also reply to WhatsApp messages from their friends, if the hour isn’t too late. 

Now, my boys are, by all accounts, sensible and good kids. But somehow, when it comes to smartphones, all their good sense flies right out the window.

They’re well aware of the specific parameters we’ve outlined for their phone use. Yet, they often play past the one-hour mark, even getting upset when I remind them that their time is up for the day and they can resume tomorrow.

I’ve taught them to set the kitchen timer to go off five minutes early so that they know when to start tying up loose ends in their games. And yet, they’re still never able to keep to time.

I’ve even told them that if they need some extra time to finish up the level quickly, they simply have to tell me and I’ll usually be reasonable and agree. But they’ve never remembered to do so.

IT’S NOT JUST ABOUT RULES 

One of my sons frequently asks me Mondays through Thursdays if he can check into his game for five minutes to collect daily rewards. 

I’ve since learnt that it’s never just “five minutes”, and never just “one game” – so my default answer to him now is a flat “no”.

However, this isn’t about demanding blind obedience from our kids. 

As parents, we feel that it’s also our job to protect their childhoods. After all, they have the rest of their lives to both enjoy the wonders and suffer the trappings of a smartphone. 

I’m not alone in this war. Earlier this year, guidelines on screen use for kids under 12 were rolled out in Singapore – urging parents to restrict children’s screen time to under two hours per day and to avoid giving them devices with unrestricted Internet and app access.

In the past two months, I’ve also heard separate reminders from the principals and vice-principals in both my sons’ schools for parents to minimise screen use for children at home.
 

A SMARTPHONE IS A POWERFUL PRIVILEGE, NOT A RIGHT

“So, when then, Mum?” my kids often ask. 

I cannot keep them away from smartphones forever; nor do I intend to. It’s impractical and illogical.

All the same, smartphones are immensely powerful devices that connect us with any and all types of information, content, or even people. 

Sure, a variety of parental controls are available to us – to ensure that devices are only usable for a fixed duration, or even moderate device access to the Internet or certain apps. But such controls aren’t infallible. I personally know children who’ve found ways to get around these things on their parents’ phones. 

And so, our answer is always the same: “When you’ve shown us that you’re able to moderate and manage your own screen habits, which we can see from how you now use the devices at home.” 

There’s always a bit of grumbling – but ultimately, our children know that we’ve been fair and true to our word thus far. We don’t shift the yardsticks, we’re completely open about the rationale behind our rules, and we’re 100 per cent in this with them by working on our own healthy digital habits. 

For instance, to show my kids that I’m not chained to my smartphone, I willingly hand it over to them to respond to their messages or do their schoolwork whenever we’re out and about without my spare device within reach. 

As a family, we also maintain a “no phones” policy at all shared meals and outings – wholly applicable to Mum and Dad as well. 
 

ARE WE GETTING THIS RIGHT?

We all know this is an ongoing conversation we will keep having as they grow up, and I encourage my kids to share their thoughts with me even when they feel upset. 

During the school holidays, I’ve also let them indulge in two-hour long gaming marathons in which they’ve experienced first-hand the “digital hangover” – stress, fatigue and other negative effects resulting from prolonged periods of digital overstimulation. 

For now, we see it as our responsibility to remind our children of the many ways they can de-stress without a screen: Play a board game, go for a swim, read a new book, draw and create comics, try new songs on the piano or, most simply, engage in conversation with their friends and family around them. 

As a family, we also go on long walks, explore new cafes, visit libraries and museums, and check out the latest happenings in town. 

In the meantime, I’ve been doing my research and have already shortlisted a few phone models for my children that aren’t as smart as their counterparts.

Who really knows if we’re getting this right? As with many things in parenting, all we can do is carefully consider the information available to us, pick a direction with the best of intentions, and start running. 

Kelly Ang is a mother of five and a freelance writer.